Dacă ești prins in iubirea egoistă a unui narcisist, te vei simți tot timpul ca un satelit afectiv. Ego-ul funcționează, în relațiile interpersonale, ca o stea pâlpâitoare: ocupă locul central, este orbitor și, dacă te aproprii prea tare, te pulverizează.
Stima de sine este unul dintre elementele indispensabile care stau la baza bunăstării și imunității psihologice. Pentru a crește ca ființă umană, este vital să te iubești pe tine însuți.
În cazul narcisismului însă, problema ia o turnură cu totul diferită, pentru că acest impuls vital se transformă în laudă de sine, egolatrie și egocentrism.
Inacceptabila propunere amoroasă a narcisismului se învârte în jurul a trei atitudini iraționale:
De ce ne împotmolim în iubirea egoistă?
Există cel puțin trei scheme comportamentale negative care măresc posibilitatea de a stabili relații cu persoanele narcisiste.
1. Indezirabilitate personală: „Am nevoie de o relație care să-mi confere un statut”
Unii indivizi au nevoie să se identifice cu persoane faimoase sau celebrități pentru a se simți realizați și pentru a-și imagina că viața lor are mai mult sens.
Subliniez că nu neg importanța admirației, ci semnalez cât de periculoasă poate fi admirația nemăsurată și irațională, tendința de a-l venera pe celălalt ca pe o zeitate.
2. Dăruire necondiționată: „Am nevoie disperată să dăruiesc iubire”
Iubirea universală este una, iar iubirea de cuplu, cu totul altceva. În primul caz nu există certificat de garanție și nici recompensă. Oare Maica Tereza aștepta înapoi gratitudine sau vreo formă de compensație? În cel de-al doilea caz, avem însă nevoie de un anumit feedback, pentru că în joc se află supraviețuirea eu-lui nostru. Iubirea sănătoasă implică un schimb între parteneri. Firește că nu este vorba despre o contabilitate precisă. Uneori, unul dintre parteneri oferă mai mult decât primește și asta nu contează. Însă dacă, după ce dai totul cu ambele mâini, nu primești nimic de la partenerul tău, în tine începe să încolțească îndoiala, iar resentimentele încep să câștige tot mai mult teren. Visul oricărui „dăruitor compulsiv” este să găsească un „receptor nesătul”, iar această fantezie prinde viață numai atunci când întâlnește un narcisist consecvent, pursânge. Și aici, în această complicitate tacită și aproape patologică, dăruirea devine distructivă, acceptând iubirea egoistă.
Strategia de supraviețuire afectivă în cazul în care cunoști iubirea egoistă.
Ai de ales ales dintre:
1. Să recunoști supremația narcisistului și să îi aduci onoruri.
Comportamentele cele mai reprezentative pentru această strategie sunt:
Ce părere ai? Ești dispus/ă să adopți această tactică blândă? Ai darul răbdării și docilitatea necesară?
2. Să îl cobori de pe piedestalul său și să-l pui la locul cuvenit
Această strategie încearcă să reinstaureze democrația în relația de cuplu. Doar așa poți contracara această formă de iubire toxică. Consecința acestei alternative, poate fi despărțirea, din moment ce argumentul tău principal „ Nu ești atât de special pe cât crezi” lovește fix în ego-ul lui. Iată câteva dintre comportamentele care definesc această atitudine:
Vrei cu adevărat să îl pui pe narcisist la locul cuvenit sau încă îți mai dorești să împarți cu el luminile rampei?
Cum să recunoști o persoană narcisistă înainte de a te lăsa cuprins de iubirea egoistă?
Atunci când persoana care țese iubirea egoistă ești chiar tu. Câteva observații:
Nu știu dacă ai încercat vreodată să te pui cu adevărat în locul partenerului tău și să înțelegi realmente ce crede și ce simte el. Asta ar presupune să-ți lași ego-ul deoparte, pentru a nu-i permite să-ți întunece judecata.
Firește, să te preocupi și de ceilalți nu înseamnă să te transformi în sfântul Calinic de la Cernica, însă nu ți-ar prinde rău un pic de modestie. De unde să începi? Învățând să pierzi, jucând după reguli, neimpunându-ți punctul de vedere, interesându-te de ceilalți și acceptând faptul că poți comite greșeli.
Să fii modest înseamnă să fii conștient de propria insuficiență. Nu-ți face griji, aceasta nu are nimic de-a face cu subaprecierea și cu un nivel scăzut al stimei de sine. Cel modest pur și simplu nu își supraapreciază calitățile și nici nu se fălește cu ele, nu le afișează și nici nu reproșează altora lipsa acestora, ci le trăiește și se bucură de ele fără a da mare importanță gurii lumii.
Te întrebi, probabil, de ce ești așa. Există multe răspunsuri posibile. Poate că părinții tăi au fost foarte indulgenți cu tine, te-au evaluat în mod exagerat sau poate că nu ai avut parte de disciplină din partea lor. Ori, se poate ca ei să nu te fi învățat cum să tolerezi frustrarea și să-ți manevrezi emoțiile. Copilăria ta ar fi putut fi marcată de modele care obișnuiau să îi exploateze pe ceilalți și ai fi putut învăța că manipularea este singura cale de supraviețuire. Unii narcisiști devin așa, încercând să compenseze stima de sine scăzută, căutând echilibru într-o aroganță exagerată. Un alt factor de luat în seamă a fost acela că ai fost copil singur la părinți și aceștia te-au educat ca pe un prinț sau prințesă. În fine, schema grandomaniei se învață și capătă forță pe tot parcursul vieții, până în punctul în care uneori devine imposibil de înlăturat. Numai un profesionist ți-ar putea oferii pistele necesare pentru a ieși la lumină, iar asta este o responsabilitate pe care va trebui să ți-o asumi dacă vrei să duci o viață normală, care să nu-i afecteze pe cei la care ții.
Acest articol este o recenzie a cărții „Iubiri toxice” de Walter Riso
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