Cum gestionăm furia?- partea a-3-a
Cum gestionăm furia ?- partea a-2-a
July 26, 2020
Cum gestionăm furia?- partea a-4-a
July 26, 2020
”Cum gestionăm furia?”– întrebarea cea mai des întâlnită în cabinetele de terapie.
Cu toții recunoaștem intelectual faptul că, repetând eforturile noastre ineficiente, nu obținem nimic. Cu toate acestea, în mod ciudat, cei mai mulți dintre noi continuă să facă același lucru, în special când sunt furioși. De exemplu: O parteneră a cărui partener devine din ce în ce mai rece atunci când aceasta îl presează furioasă să își exprime sentimentele nu face altceva decât să devină și mai cicălitoare; problema partenerei nu este că nu-și poate exprima mânia, ci că o folosește într-un mod care nu funcționează, și totuși continuă să procedeze la fel.
În cartea sa Dansul furiei, Harriet Lerner definește urmăritorul emoțional ca fiind acea persoană care își diminuează anxietatea împărtășind sentimentele și căutând contact emoțional intim; în timp ce distanțați emoționali sunt acele persoane care își reduc anxietatea intelectualizând și retrăgându-se.
Când apele sunt liniștite, urmăritorul și distanțatul pot părea că formează un cuplu perfect complementar. Ea este spontană, plină de viață și reactivă emoțional. El este rezervat, calm și logic.
Dar cum apare o briză care face valuri (un copil bolnav, o problemă financiară etc), fiecare dintre ei exagerează în stil propriu și de aici încep necazurile. Ea reacționează repede, căutând contact direct și refugiu în intimitate. Ea își împărtășește sentimentele și vrea ca și el să facă același lucru. El reacționează foarte logic și rațional, într-o manieră care pentru ea nu este acceptabilă. Deci ea îl urmărește și mai insistent, vrând să știe și mai mult despre ce gândește și simte el, iar el se distanțează și mai mult. Cu cât el se distanțează mai mult, cu atât ea îl urmărește mai departe; și cu cât ea îl urmărește mai departe, cu atât el se retrage și mai departe. Ea îl acuză că este rece, nesimțitor, inuman. El o acuză că este băgăcioasă, isterică și obsedată de control.
Rezultatul ? După un timp femeia intră în ceea ce terapeuții numesc „distanțare reactivă”. Simțindu-se respinsă și sătulă să se simtă astfel, în cele din urmă își vede de treaba ei. Bărbatul are acum și mai mult spațiu pentru a se simți în largul lui și, în timp, se aproprie din ce în ce mai mult de ea, în speranța de a stabili un contact. Dar este prea târziu. ”Unde ai fost când am avut nevoie de tine?” îi spune ea furioasă. În acest punct, pentru o vreme, cei doi pot face un schimb de roluri între distanțat și urmăritor.
Cum gestionăm furia? Vom afla răspunsul atunci când urmăritorul devine conștient de comportamentul său și încetează să mai urmărească și începe să redirecționeze energia în propria viață- fără să se distanțeze sau să exprime furia față de celălalt– dansul circular urmăresc-urmăritor se întrerupe.
Vă invit să vă gândiți la momentele voastre de furie față de partenerul vostru și să identificați ce rol ați îmbrățișat în acel moment, urmăritor sau distanțat emoțional?
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